


If You're Different And You Know It (you're not alone)

by M3zzaTh3M3z



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Asexual Character, Gen, Growing Up, Post-Season/Series 01, Sex Repulsion, Sibling Bonding, five hargreeves/dolores
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-06 18:25:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17944832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/pseuds/M3zzaTh3M3z
Summary: "Five was different. He’d always known.Different from most people, what with his freakish birth, powers and unconventional upbringing, all that old news.And different from his siblings. He was smarter. His powers were stronger. And he’d never picked a name. All that was old news too.But there was something else that separated him from the rest, something he didn’t know how to put a finger on, how to categorize, analyse, understand. Five didn’t like not understanding.It was probably Klaus that made him first notice something was off."





	If You're Different And You Know It (you're not alone)

**Author's Note:**

> There's nothing explicit in here but if you're sex repulsed watch out for mentions of porn, masturbation, sex in general, prostitution and incredibly briefly implied BDSM. There's also description of feeling sex repulsion. All this makes it sound a lot heavier than it actually is, but almost all of it is a line or two at most so don't worry too much!

Five was different. He’d always known.

Different from most people, what with his freakish birth, powers and unconventional upbringing, all that old news.

And different from his siblings. He was smarter. His powers were stronger. And he’d never picked a name. All that was old news too.

But there was something else that separated him from the rest, something he didn’t know how to put a finger on, how to categorize, analyse, _understand._ Five didn’t like not understanding.

It was probably Klaus that made him first notice something was off. Klaus had always been the loudest, never shy to let the world know how he felt and what he thought.

“I’m hungry!”

“I’m bored!”

“She’s hot!”

The first two Five had heard all his life. The last, well, he wasn’t sure when that had started. At first it hadn’t made sense and so he’d ignored it. That was standard procedure when it came to Klaus. If he worried over every piece of nonsense Klaus spouted he’d never get anything done.

And then he’d learnt what ‘hot’ meant and he’d still ignored it because he figured Klaus was joking around, acting all adult like when he’d steal Dad’s ties and Mom’s lipstick and swagger around the halls.

At some point Five realised it wasn’t just Klaus. Ben followed soon enough, the way he always did when Klaus was concerned. Not as loud or colourful in his declarations as his brother, more often his views on people’s physical merits were presented as agreements or rebuttals to Klaus’ statements.

“She’s amazing, just look at those legs!”

“Eh, I’ve seen better.”

“Ben, have you _seen_ his eyes though? I’ll dream of them every night, I swear.”

“Don’t exaggerate. But I guess he is kinda cute.”

Five had ignored this too. Ben usually played along with Klaus’ games. More of their silliness was nothing worth his time, so whenever they’d start up he’d roll his eyes and get back to his book.

Luther wasn’t much one for games. Five could respect that at least about their supposed leader. So when even he would blush and nod along to their ridiculous discussions, Five began to despair. His idiot brothers were taking longer than usual to get over their latest phase.

They were nine by now and although Five preferred mathematics and quantum physics to biology, he knew enough to be under no illusions about where babies came from. Well, _most_ babies. Even Dad still had no clue about them. The point was, he knew in theory about sex and attraction and love, he just didn’t see what it had to do with him. He was only nine after all.

 

For a while it seemed they’d reached an equilibrium of sorts. Five may have had three somewhat incomprehensible brothers, but he still had his sisters and Diego to be reliably more interested in playing or studying than random people’s bodies.

Until it happened to the girls too. Alison started to blush and giggle when the young men with their cameras and notebooks interviewed them after each mission. She pinned posters of boy bands to her walls and screamed at Five to get out when he asked what exactly was so appealing about four identical skinny white boys. He screamed back and tried to pretend it hadn’t been an honest question.

Even Vanya, his most steadfast companion, who only a few months ago had laughed at the boys with him and thrown cushions whenever their discussions got too excitable, even his dear, reliable Vanya slowly slipped to their side. She stopped laughing and throwing cushions, started listening with quiet interest and soft blushes. When she enthused in private to Five about her favourite violinists, it was no longer pure musical admiration, but everything from their hair to their dresses to their eyes – “She’s just so beautiful _,_ you see, Five?”

Five could not see, and didn’t know how to pretend otherwise. So he sat quietly and nodded encouragement (because while you’d have to tie him down to get him to listen a minute of the others’ rubbish, this was _Vanya_ ) and when she showed him videos of her favourites he pushed down the unsettled feeling in his stomach and reminded himself to focus as much on the curve of the violinist’s breasts as her music. That, apparently, was how you were meant to look at women.

Now his siblings’ interests were well established, thus began their efforts to drag Five down to their level. Their inquiries into his potential likes may have been meant innocently enough, but they couldn’t seem to understand the inherent mortification of suggesting he felt like that at all. To be fair, it wasn’t as though he understood it himself either, to his eternal frustration. All he knew was he hated it, and his blushes of prickly anger were treated as confirmation he was simply secretive, or worse, shy. Once, to Five’s humiliation, Klaus had even ruffled his hair and cooed over him, telling him there was no need to be coy. A quick knee to the groin had ended that ordeal, but the maddening inquiries kept coming.

Despite all this he still had one unlikely ally; Diego at least was equally baffled by their siblings and could be relied upon for distraction when the rest had other things in mind. Together, they could survive any amount of nonsense, sharing eye rolls and confused frowns and stifled laughter whenever Klaus really went overboard with descriptions of his latest celebrity crush.

Diego, gentle soul that he was, seemed to fare worse when the inquiries turned his way. While Five had no problem telling his brothers outright to shove off if they bothered him too much with it all, and could do a decent impression of an interested conversational partner with Vanya, Diego could do neither. Unwilling to break from the group and unable to deceive effectively, he took to hanging around silently on the periphery when talk turned that way, as it did with unnerving frequency.

 “What about her, Diego?” Klaus would ask, waving one of his fashion magazines while draped in front of the fire. “C’mon, one of these girls must be your type. Or guys.”

Diego, perched on the edge of an armchair sharpening his knives, would throw Five a wide-eyed, pleading look to save him from interrogation.

So Five would sigh and roll his eyes because, really, why didn’t he just make something up and save them all the bother? And then he’d jump to snatch the magazine from Klaus’ hands and toss in the fire with a curt reminder they’re supposed to be reading something educational, not frivolous.

Diego would whine and complain with the rest of them before settling down with his set material, but when nobody was watching he’d give Five a grudgingly grateful nod. Five tried not to be too pleased. It wasn’t like he _needed_ his brother’s appreciation or anything, but there was a kind of joy in secretly supporting each other against an enemy force they didn’t understand.

Five still hated not understanding.

 

Their alliance was secure, but unspoken. It wasn’t until they were twelve that the subject, unnamed as it was, was broached.

Five was sat in the kitchen, tucking into a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich after a few hours researching time travel (he was close to a breakthrough, he could _feel_ it) when Diego trailed in, hands in his pockets. He hopped onto the edge of the table, snatched a sandwich, took a bite and wrinkled his face, dropping it again.

“I don’t know how you eat that junk.”

“It’s nice.”

“It’s grim.”

Five took another bite. “Make your own sandwich if you’re just going to insult mine,” he said around his mouthful. “Or ask Mom.”

“Hm.” Without looking Diego pulled out a knife, passing it between his hands, and Five waited for whatever he wanted to say. “Uh. Weird question.”

“Do you ever have any other sort?”

“I’m serious.” Kicking his heel against the table leg, Diego sighed. “Do you ever, like, um, touch? Yourself? Like, y’know…” He made a crude gesture, in case there was any doubt what he meant.

Five snorted. “No? I’m not…” His incredulous smirk faded when he saw Diego’s expression remained stony serious, though flushed bright red. “Why do you ask?”

“I – I overheard the others talking about it. They stopped when they saw me but – it sounds like people do it a lot. I don’t really get it, and you always know things, so I…”

Nausea pooled in Five’s stomach and rose in his throat. He lowered his sandwich, no longer hungry.

“I’m mean, we’re kinda the same, right?” Diego continued, his knife picking up speed. “You don’t really l-like girls either? Or b-boys?” He fell silent, his eyes steadfast on the floor. Neither of them had admitted it before.

“I guess not.” Five tried to sound nonchalant, as though it were no big deal, but Diego’s question unnerved him. They were only twelve for heaven’s sake, wasn’t it a bit early to be worrying about all that boring adult stuff? Let alone the _other_ stuff Diego asked about, with all the hands and body parts and _shit_ , he really shouldn’t have eaten so much because the sickness was spreading through every part of his body, begging him to curl up and ignore the world.

“Do you think… Is there s-something wrong w-with us?”

Five opened his mouth to deny it, to protest it was just the others pretending to be grown up, that none of it was real, none of it mattered, there was nothing wrong with them for not wanting a hand down their pants, the others were the weird ones, they were _fine_ , it was _fine_ , everything was _fine_ but Diego needed to _shut u_ p about it because he was about to _puke_ , but then the door opened and he was interrupted before he could even begin.

“Now, what are you boys talking so seriously about?” Mom asked, breezing into the room with a smile.

“Nothing!” Heat flooded Five’s face and he knew he must be as red as Diego. These topics with his siblings were bad enough, but with Mom? Unthinkable.

Mom ruffled Diego’s hair as she passed, and patted Five on the shoulder. She respected his boundaries, unlike some people he could mention. “Oh, Five, sweetie, you haven’t finished your sandwiches? Would you two like me to make you something else?”

“No, thank you Mom,” Five replied stiffly. He didn’t trust himself to speak too much, in case the wretched feeling inside escaped.

“Okay then. I’ll start making dinner. Who wants to be my helper?”

Predictable, Diego was at her side almost before she’d finished speaking. Five watched them work without really watching for a while, letting the nausea subside, until Diego asked a question that snapped back all his attention.

“Mom? Is it, like, n-normal to like people at our age?” His stutter was usually much better around Mom, but still slipped out when he was stressed, so despite his casual tone there was no way Mom could miss the gravity of the question.

“Oh, boys.” Mom turned to smile at them both, her head slightly tilted to one side. “Is that what you were talking about earlier? You are at an important age after all. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal for you to have new feelings. If you like, I am sure I can find some appropriate reading material for you?” She clasped her hands together and sighed. “Oh, I’m so proud of my little boys growing up.”

“Thanks Mom, but I think we’re good,” Diego muttered. “I’m, uh, going to the bathroom.” He left quickly, and though Mom kept smiling, Five was sure it was only because she couldn’t see the tears shining in Diego’s eyes.

 

After that, Diego stopped looking to him for help. If the others asked him those sorts of questions, he lied, getting better every time until Five was no longer sure if they were lies at all. Perhaps he’d simply been a late developer. Five even allowed himself a little hope that’s what he was too, and soon enough he’d know and understand exactly what was so fascinating, but he couldn’t quite convince himself. He tried to be pleased Diego was handling himself, or had grown up some, but mostly he felt more alone. His ally was gone, or in hiding, with no signs of return.

He spent more time with Vanya, doing everything he could to keep to topics he knew, listening to her play for hours because when she played he didn’t have to worry about anything else. During training he worked to the brink of collapse, perfecting his spatial jumps, incorporating them into manoeuvres with the others, proving to himself he was still one of them and he wouldn’t be left behind. When he wanted to be alone, he continued his research into time travel, writing his findings in secret notebooks in a code even Dad could never decipher. He was almost ready, he could _sense_ it.

One day, when they were thirteen, Klaus and Ben came back from one of their illicit forays into the city even more smug than usual. Their trips had been increasing in frequency over the past few months and every time they stayed out a little longer than before. It would have been easy for Five to join them, and he occasionally did, but mostly just to grab some coffee. He didn’t like the smell of the cigarettes they smoked and quickly tired of aimlessly wandering the streets, so usually left them to it. The others were still too timid to join them, so whatever little trinkets and tales they returned with were always met with great interest. This time was no different.

“Swag haul!” Klaus announced once everyone had gathered in the attic. “You guys are going to _love_ what I’ve found.”

“What _we_ found,” Ben corrected. “And can I remind you that I’m the one who suggested we look in that dumpster anyway?”

“And can I remind you that I’m the one who rummaged around in there while you got the cushy job of lookout.” Klaus gave a flamboyant bow to the group and dropped bonelessly into sitting crossed-legged on the floor, a stained paper bag clutched in one hand. “Okay, who’s ready for treasures?”

Luther glanced at the door over his shoulder. “Can you hurry this up? Dad might come up.”

“Daddy dearest is occupied in his study, as usual,” Klaus replied, and patted the wooden floorboards. “Relax man. Everyone sit down.”

Sighing, for he had no great hopes for what Ben and Klaus considered ‘treasure,’ Five settled down on the floor, and tugged on Vanya’s blazer sleeve for her to join him when she didn’t move. She gave a warm smile, always so grateful to be included, and he returned it, always so grateful to have her there. Not that he’d say it. He was Five after all. He had a reputation to protect.

Handing the bag to Ben, Klaus affected his poshest accent. “Would you care to do the honours?”

Ben shrugged, but took it anyway and shook the contents onto the floor. Garishly bright magazines spilled into a pile. “It’s porn.”

Five’s stomach dropped, a sickly feeling seeping in. He looked to Vanya, but she remained impassive as ever, so he did his best to look the same.

“Well, I was hoping for a little more flair, but there we go.” Klaus grinned at the group and spread his hands. “Ta-dah!”

Shaking his head, Luther started to his feet and Five had never felt more grateful for their leader’s goody-two-shoes streak. “We shouldn’t have this. If Dad, or Mom, or Pogo catches us…”

“Don’t be such a baby,” Allison said, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down. Despite his strength, Luther let her. “We can burn it or whatever once we’ve had a look, okay? You’ve got your lighters, don’t you boys?”

“Great,” Klaus said and grabbed a nearby magazine at random, examining the cover. Five caught a glimpse of a well-endowed naked woman and looked away, cheeks hot. “Ooh, this one’s got a feature on ‘Lovely Charlotte,’ doesn’t that sound fun? Five, you like reading, right? If there’s any writing you can share with the group.”

“I’d rather take that lighter of yours and boil my eyes out,” Five replied. Nausea rose through him again, his head spinning, but he forced himself to rise slowly and present a calm face. “I don’t know why you’re all so interested in humans mating but I don’t want anything to do with it.” Avoiding looking at the stomach-turning pictures, he caught Diego’s eye and recognised the same confusion, if less revulsion, he felt himself. “And neither does Diego,” he added, offering an easy way out.

“Calm down, they’re just pictures,” Vanya muttered, but Five shook off her hand on his sleeve.

Klaus laughed, dropping the magazine onto the pile. “Woah man, chill out. Or have a temper-tantrum in your own room, but there’s no reason to stop Diego and the rest of us having fun.”

Summoning his most authoritative voice, Five levelled his gaze at Klaus. “Diego’s not having fun.”

“Diego?” Klaus, and the rest, turned to look at him, and Diego coloured under the stares.

“I – I was until Five started being a pussy,” he managed eventually, his eyes apologising even as his mouth betrayed. “Klaus – Klaus is right. Go to your own room.”

“Fine,” Five said, and jumped downstairs just to show he could. To show he was stronger. Smarter. Better than all of them. Holed up in his room, he worked on his equations for hours, ignoring the sickness pressing in on him and ignoring Vanya’s pleas for him to join them at supper. When he finally allowed himself to sleep at two in the morning, he did so with the perfect formula in his hand. He was ready to time travel, he _knew_ it.

If the others thought his reaction had been strange, they didn’t mention it again. And if Five worried about why he had reacted that why, why he had wanted to be anywhere but that room with those things, why he’d felt sick to his bones – well, he was too busy working to think about any of that.

 

Then the next week he accidentally jumped to the apocalypse and none of it mattered anymore.

He forgot about the magazines and the sickness and Diego’s betrayal and all of that. Almost forgot about sex at all, so focused on simply surviving. He found Dolores and decided maybe love wasn’t so boring after all, if it was with her. They were good together. She never pressured him for sex the way he’d always secretly feared someone might, but welcomed him when he worked up the nerve to try cuddling, and later gentle kisses on her forehead or cheek. That was enough for them. They were an odd pair at the end of the world, but happy together.

Returning to the lands of the living was culture shock to the extreme. He’d spent more of his life alone than with other people after all, and the noise and colour and constant, ceaseless activity was overwhelming at first. After his first few missions for the Handler he got used to it again, adjusted to talking properly and eating real food and sleeping in real beds and meeting people who could move around by themselves. He couldn’t get used to the sex though. It was everywhere.

As a child it had seemed bad enough, but living among adults it was inescapable. Conversation, movies, songs, even shops. (“What on earth does a ‘sex shop’ sell?” he’d once asked, and regretted it as soon as he received an answer.) Worse, everyone thought he wanted it too. Saying he was in a relationship lessened inquiries, but he landed himself in more than a few sticky situations in various times and places before he learnt the warning signs of what people were after. 

The sickness remained a dogged constant wherever he went, cycling through good and bad times but still frustratingly random in when it would flare up. It had to do with sex, Five eventually realised, long after he maybe should have but when one was so deeply linked with the other it was difficult to notice they were separate entities at all. There was nobody left he could ask, but he didn’t think anyone else had such an intense, viscerally disgusted reaction. Surely sex wouldn’t be half so popular if they did.

One assignment led him to burst into a hotel room as the target was enjoying the company of a prostitute. Presumably enjoying, that was. Otherwise Five wasn’t sure why he’d put up with all those ropes and whips. He only just managed to complete the job before doubling over and throwing up in the waste paper bin. It was a good few minutes before he could make his exit and the Handler was less than pleased with his tardiness to his next mission. Unable to admit or explain the truth, Five had claimed the prostitute had caused unexpected difficulties, and suffered a lecture in silence.

 

Reverting to his thirteen year old body was mostly a curse, but it came with a smattering of blessings. Nobody attempted tedious flirtation for one, and although he was mostly too busy trying to, you know, stop the apocalypse to have much time for noticing much of anything, the sickness didn’t seem so bad.

The murder of Diego’s kind-of girlfriend was hard to hear. Five knew from Vanya’s book he wasn’t one for casual relationships so she must have been someone truly special. His own Dolores. And he remembered things he hadn’t thought of for a long time, a conversation in the kitchen and a hundred silent cries for help, suddenly so much clearer in his mind that things he knew had happened only months ago to him, and he wanted to know how they had worked together.

He asked what Diego liked about her and he responded with physical attributes. When pushed, he’d delved deeper, but the way he’d commented on Patch’s ass and legs stuck with Five. That hadn’t been the hollow repetition of something he’d heard someone else say, the way he’d sounded when they were young. He’d been sincere, even a little confused Five hadn’t found that enough. For Diego it seemed her physical attractiveness and their love were entwined.

 

Considering he’d already been thirteen for a week, Five shouldn’t have been as annoyed as he was to find he was still thirteen when they arrived in their childhood. The others initially shared his frustration, but as time went on everyone found it bothered them less. They’d agreed not to tell Mom or Dad or Pogo anything, and so were forced to go about their childhood business more or less the same as before, with a few differences. Vanya refused to take her pills, and Dad pretended it was a great surprise to learn she had powers after all. Klaus made more of an effort with his training. Everyone made a huge fuss of Ben. Five agreed not to try time travelling again just yet.

After so long constantly on the move it was incredibly constraining to stay in one place at first, but he settled in soon enough. Some days he had to remind himself he wasn’t really thirteen at all, but the days yet to come seemed so distance and faint, like dreams. To his relief, the others admitted they felt the same way.

“It’s our brains,” Five announced one evening as they all studied in the library. “That’s why we find it hard to retain our memories.”

“What do you mean?” Vanya asked, looking up from her textbook on sound waves.

“We’re back in our younger bodies, which means our memories from older ages aren’t encoded into our actual brains anymore. We hold them as short-term memories, but unless they’re especially important they’ll probably only fade further over time.” A thought struck him and Five jumped back upstairs, grabbed a pile of composition books, and returned to the others before they could try to follow him. “Forget all this stuff. Everyone, get writing. Everything you don’t want to forget.”

As predicted, within a month their memories were barely more substantial than fever dreams. Five religiously reread his journal every night, determined not to forget a lifetime, but eventually his words felt more like a familiar story than something that truly happened to him. He was grateful for the sketches of Dolores as her face was long gone from his mind, but he wished he could remember what it felt like to love her. Without that knowledge, the old adolescent fears crept back in - there was something wrong with him, he would never love or know people the way his siblings would, he was different in a way worse than all the rest.

It wasn’t clear whether his siblings kept such close attention to their journals or not. Klaus, Five suspected did – he certainly didn’t remember such a prolonged interest in Vietnam the first time around. Alison also, she took to using their fame as the Academy to promote feminist causes, much to Dad’s chagrin, and Five imagined she was thinking of her potentially-never-born daughter. Luther and Vanya seemed happier to forget the details of their lives that now never were. Ben remained a mystery.

As for Diego – sometimes Five thought he remembered and sometimes he wasn’t so sure. He’d been born a brooder, so long periods alone didn’t necessarily indicate mourning. He was also closer with everyone than before their adult minds had arrived, but so was everyone else. Perhaps he’d been selective in his recordings. Perhaps he’d let Five know when he felt like it.

One thing was clear – they were back to being allies, and Five was so shamefully glad of that, though he could never say because that was far too selfish even for him to wish that isolation and confusion on anyone. But the notes in his journal warned the strange sickness would only worsen with age and the others were making the most of puberty again and he really didn’t fancy facing what was to come alone. When Diego turned to him again with that aching familiar confusion, Five didn’t have the heart to roll his eyes.

Unlike before, these clandestine exchanges didn’t go unnoticed. Klaus, apparently the original chief inquisitor, caught Five’s eye several times with a curious look, and soon ceased all attempts to include Five or Diego in childish chatter about crushes or sex. At first, Five was somewhat offended, which was ridiculous. He hated when they tried to include him in their nonsense, so rejection should be a relief. But then Klaus cornered him one day in the hall, his eyes unusually serious beneath the heavy eye-liner.

“Heyyy, Five, buddy.”

“What is it, Klaus?” Five replied, with much less venom than he might have once had. His true memories of the apocalypse might be gone, but he still woke with nightmares ringing in his ears and loneliness aching in his bones. He tried to be kind to his siblings these days.

“Uh, you remember last year when I bought those magazines back? Well, not our last year, but the chronological last year? I know it’s a while back, but it was before you jumped so you should still remember, right?”

Five swallowed, but the sickness didn’t come. He was safe for now. “Yes, I remember.”

“I just wanted to have a chat real quick with you, bro to bro, y’know? Come here a sec.” Klaus waved Five into his bedroom with one hand, the one with ‘hello’ scrawled on in biro because nobody would tattoo a fourteen-year-old, not for all Klaus’ whining.

The first time around, Five only visited Klaus’ bedroom when necessary. Now they’d picked back up their childhood, he wasn’t quite a frequent visitor, but could easily pick out which additions to the walls were new. He threw himself down onto Klaus’ bed and folded his arms expectantly.

“Okay,” Klaus began, his hands held wide as he paced the narrow strip of floor. “Stop me if I’m wrong about any of this, but seeing our lives now as a kind of adult made me realise some stuff I couldn’t have the first time.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s kind of the point,” Five couldn’t help pointing out.

Klaus just shrugged. “Okay, so you know when I asked if you wanted to read the porn mag and you flipped out and we all thought you were going on some weird morality trip? At the time we were like ‘oh, Five thinks he’s so much better than all of us, let’s look at _all_ of these and also get super high off these blunts,’ but actually that last part might have just been me. Which I don’t do anymore, by the way,” he added, even though Five hadn’t been about to say anything. “Anyway, at the time I was too pissed-slash-high-slash-head-up-my-own-arse-slash-didn’t-know-shit to think about it, but I’ve been noticing other stuff too.” He dropped onto the bed next to Five, the springs creaking under his weight. Since he’d been making an effort to get clean, he was no longer stick thin, and even building a little muscle. “You always seem kind of grossed out if anyone talks about sex, is that right? You don’t just find it silly, you proper, puke-your-guts-out hate it. Or, at best, it’s just _super boring._ ”

Five had known for years, but hearing someone else pick up on his little secret was like being stripped naked in the artic wind. Without really understanding why, he flushed – it wasn’t like it should be shameful or anything, it was just really, _really_ , painfully private and he hadn’t even confided in Diego and Klaus was just saying it out loud like he’d plucked it from his mind and yes, Five was definitely red now and _goddamn_ he hated being an emotional teen again.

“I guess,” he admitted through gritted teeth. “Laugh and I’ll pour your makeup down the drain.”

Klaus, surprisingly, didn’t laugh. He just tilted his head and nodded thoughtfully. “I mean, anyone can be sex-repulsed, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ace, but-“

“I’m what now?”

“Ace. Short for asexual.” Klaus stretched out the word, giving Five time to digest it, his tone unusually matter of fact. “Someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction. I’m no expert, you know me, _all_ about that sexual attraction baby, but them’s the basics. Does that sound like you?”

Denial was hot and ready on Five’s tongue, but he bit it back, curiosity overcoming all else. “I’m not sure. What does attraction feel like exactly?”

“Gotcha!” Grinning, Klaus clapped his hands as though this was excellent news. “Classic asexual question. Believe me, if you’ve felt it, you don’t need to ask.”

“How do you know all this?”

“I don’t spend a lot of time with straight people. You pick up stuff.”

“I see.” Asexual. Five turned the word over in his mind. It had a good ring to it, ridiculous as that sounded, but… “What about Dolores? I was with her for over thirty years. That was love, wasn’t it?”

He’d expected the question to stump Klaus, but he just smiled. “Ah, that’s the clever bit. You see, surprise surprise, love and sex aren’t quite the same thing. I’d kind of thought you’d have noticed by now, old man. You think Luther loved that random girl from the rave? Oh wait, you weren’t really around that night, were you? Anyway, my point is while most people tend to package them up together, they’re separate beasts. You can totally feel one without the other.”

“Why are you telling me all this anyway?”

“I dunno man.” With a sigh, Klaus let himself fall backwards so he was sprawled across the bed, staring at his biro tattoos. “I always knew I just liked whoever, liked dressing however, it hardly seemed the weirdest thing about me or that hard to understand. Then when I was all grown up and talking to other people I realised a lot of them had a hard time with it, said they wished they’d had someone to explain it all. So I see you going all ‘eww’ at that stuff and I think, hey, maybe Five doesn’t know about this stuff because he’s been a pretty busy guy and maybe I should do that ‘responsible brother’ thing we’re supposed to do nowdays and tell him about it. I mean, whatever, it either helps or it doesn’t but-“

Five laid a hand on Klaus’ knee and patted it awkwardly a few times. Physical affection still wasn’t his strong suit. “I need to think about it but… thank you.”

“Woah, say that again? I need to imprint it in my memory forever.”

“Shut up.”

“You love me really. Anyway, if you wanna know more you should tag along to Pride with me and Ben and Vanya.”

Five frowned. He’d heard a little about Pride and the queer community (that was the term, wasn’t it?) but there had been neither in the apocalypse, and his work for the commission left little time for sightseeing, so it was still unknown territory. “Pride? But I – I don’t like boys?”

“And more’s the pity, because they really are a lot of fun,” Klaus replied. “But you don’t like girls either, and Pride is for everyone queer. I figured we could find you some aces to talk to if you wanted the deets.”

“There are more…?” ‘Like me,’ Five wanted to say, but he held back. He’d never been like other people. To suddenly find a category he fit just like that? It was too much to hope. “I mean, are there many?”

“Oh yeah, loads. I got a load of ace friends, back in the future.”

“Fine, I’ll go, if only to keep you out of trouble. And if I’m going, you might want to bring Diego.”

“Diego, huh? He’s not much for the bedroom either?”

Five made a so-so gesture with his hand. “You probably know more about his relationship with Detective Patch than I do. Or, you did.”

“I remember,” Klaus replied, so quickly Five knew in an instant how desperately he clung to his memories, and felt an ache in his chest for his brother who spent so long trying to forget. “Yeah, seems like he could fit in too. Bring him along too, he’ll love it.”

Which seemed highly unlikely, their brooding and black-clad brother among all the colour and laughter Five vaguely believed Pride involved. Five wasn’t entirely sure he’d enjoy it either. It seemed a lot of noise, a lot of people, a lot of chances for the sickness – repulsion, Klaus had called it – to flare up again. But it offered information, companionship, understanding. Five hated not understanding. Sex and attraction might be mysteries forever out of reach, but perhaps he’d been approaching it the wrong way. He might not understand other people, but here was a chance to understand himself. Finally, he could put a finger on another reason he was different. Finally, different didn’t have to mean alone.

 

**Author's Note:**

> My first Umbrella Academy fic! I HC Five as ace and Diego as demi, and I've been on an ace fic roll recently so obviously I had to try it out with these guys!  
> Five's sex repulsion is based on my own experience, getting worse through puberty but I imagine all those years alone not having to deal with it would make returning to normality even harder. Lovely Charlotte is based on a lovely gal in an abandoned motel. Unfortuntely her gardening equipment didn't make an appearance.   
> The idea about the adult memories fading because they're not hardwired into the child brain came from my feelings Five got more authentically childlike as the series progressed if that makes sense. I don't think that's the route the series will go but I liked the idea so managed to fit it in.  
> I also love the idea of openly pan Klaus being a sort of queer mentor to the others the second time around, as he would be much more knowledgable about those things. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! <3
> 
> *****
> 
> If you enjoyed this fic, you might want to check out my others. I have fics in the [Supernatural,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=27) [ Osomatsu,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=7048385) [ Ace Attorney, ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=1034737) [ Haikyuu,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=758208) [ Portal, ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=83491) [ Boku No Hero Academia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=3828398) and [Widdershins fandoms, ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/M3zzaTh3M3z/works?fandom_id=2511207) with more being added all the time.


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